Now, about three hours later I am so tired my eyelids are closing on my as I type. I'm still scared. A little scared to go to bed. Scared of the dark. Scared of the empty bedrooms I have to walk past. And scared of the nightmares that might come. But my body has had enough for one day and is going into sleep mode.
I have never known fear that compared to this before.
There are some things you just never really think are going to happen to you or your loved ones. So when they do happen you are utterly unprepared. It feels like you've been hit by a bolt of lightning. The closeness of danger to a loved one is terrifying and renders you feeling helpless and useless.
All you can do is hold on to them tightly, saying that everything will be okay. You don't really know that; or at least you don't know how everything is going to be okay even if you believe somehow it will. But you say it because you don't know what else to say. And because you want it to be true.
Ah, the smallness of humanity. The vulnerability of the human race.
But above all this, most wondrous, ah, the great mercy of God and His sovereignty and protection over His own! How thankful I am for that tonight, as I've known His protection and mercy as never before. As the psalmist so beautifully said it:
"You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you." (Psalm 139:5-12)
